Tick, tock, tick, tock...I really want to smash my clock right now!
I woke up over thirty minutes ago but I haven't been able to move since. I've been staring at my clock; it just keeps ticking; going on with its life-which will be shortened if I can't get myself to fucking move!
I forced myself to turn away from it and I faced my window. It was early in the morning, just the right time when the sun hasn't met the horizon of buildings and the sky is still a little dark. It's a dim blue but still makes the bare branches of the trees stand out black against its weak light. I can't see any clouds or even where the sun is rising from but the sky is lit and I wished it wasn't. I wanted to go back to sleep and drift away again...why can't it still be night?
I've barely moved since I got home a week ago; I closed my eyes and remembered it.
After my sudden return home I realized how hungry I was; my hands shook and it felt funny to walk. What had felt like a few nights to us had been actually been two weeks. I also notice that Maya had been fed and watered while I'd been gone and my house had been cleaned. My neighbors were really nice, maybe they stopped by and took care of Maya but I knew better instantly when I saw a rather decorative pink letter on my kitchen table. I braced myself against the wall because I knew Marzia had definitely been here and I couldn't imagine how angry she must've been walking in here. I wasn't here for Maya and I hadn't given her notice at all; this won't be easy. I picked up the note and chewed my lower lip while I read it.
"I took care of Maya while you were gone. Call me when you get back." -Marzia.
Sad part about letters is that you can't tell if someone is angry with you or not. So I slightly dreaded calling her...tomorrow. It was really dark when I arrived home so I fed myself, took a shower and went straight to bed.
I opened my eyes and looked at my window again. I knew the sky would stay this color for a while and my sheets began to feel scratchy and rough against my skin. I sat up with a frustrated huff of air and took in the sanctity of my room. Faded orange walls with white trim around the door and window with my dresser and desk nearby. I ran my fingers through my sandy hair; it felt heavy and was stuck to my head in spots. I didn't feel very clean and decided a hot shower might make me living again...if only just a little. The hot water definitely woke me up but then as my skin got used to its heat; I welcomed it and started thinking about everything that had happened and boy had a lot happened.
A girl created a custom map on Amnesia then used some sort of occultist spell to make it into a real place. She then hacked mine and Ryan's computers and opened the custom map; like we were going to play. We read the objective together when we both got zapped and we woke up in Brennenberg castle. The objects in the game that I'd given names and personalities to had also been made real from Stephano and Mr. Chair to the Farting Potatoes and Fapping Spiders. Evil Stephano had been one of the few things personified too but I'd rather not talk about that. The Barrels had been personified too and their leader (Who surprisingly enough was a woman); Brooke captured Ryan, tortured him then left him in the dungeon with a Bro roaming around. When I'd helped Ryan escape we ran right into her in a big foyer and she challenged me to a fight for our freedom and Ryan's life. In the end I'd managed to win the fight but I'd hardly call it victory. With her last breath of life she threw the pipe she'd fought with and it had gone right through his chest...taking the shot that was aimed at me. I had to leave him behind because I'd completed my objective but Ryan still had to face his 'demons'.
I hadn't let it leave my mind since I got home; I'd finally come to the conclusion that there were no demons in Amnesia. Real demons...not a single one came to mind at all, at least nothing we hadn't already dealt with. I mean we dealt with everything! The Bro's, barrels, knights-or so I was told-and the Fapping Spiders too; nothing had really been missed.
My eyes snapped open as ice began to stab my back and sent a violent shiver down my spine; I closed my eyes again and calmly tilted my head back. The water was chilling and I felt my body tense up as it ran over my skin. I shuddered at the sensation of goose bumps rising on my body when I felt a slight weight against my chest. I opened my eyes, looked down and Ryan was right in front of me...pressed lightly against the wall; between it and me with one hand on my bare chest. His mask-and clothes-were gone but I still couldn't see his face completely it was all blurry. He smirked and whispered something to me but I knew I didn't want to hear it so I blinked and I was alone in the shower. I couldn't deal with the torture my mind could play on my tormented emotions today...wow I am really gloomy.
I think I've been in there long enough it probably isn't safe to be alone with my thoughts at this point. I shut it off and got out, found my clothes and got dressed. I left the bathroom and stopped by my window to see that the sky's hue had yet to change so I grabbed my black coat and called to Maya who came running into the room. She looked up at me while I attached her leash to her collar and headed out the door with her following close.
I felt the wind make the still wet hair on my head freezing cold and instantly regretted this but I just had to get out of my house for a little while. I looked around me and the streets were deserted; complete silence. No cars, people or even a train...just quiet. The birds hadn't even woken up yet and it was just...nice. Peaceful even, everything was peacefully and blissfully asleep, no noise or anything. I walked with Maya down to the park and sat on a bench. She hopped up onto the bench and nestled on my lap. She was a warm little bundle on my lap and I sighed exhaustedly. My whole body was pretty warm except for my hair and I was aware of the cold air clinging to my clothes; digging to get to the rest of me. The wind had chilled my wet hair enough to where I honestly thought it was dry.
My face was pale from the cold when I felt warm fingers lace in the hair on the back off my head and lightly tug my head back. I looked at who it was and it was once again the unmasked but ever blurry Ryan that my mind had conjured up out of pure loneliness and worry. I blinked and decided to relish in this hallucination for just a moment. The very thought of seeing him made my face grow hot and I let out a puff of white warm air. He leaned down and I waited for him to kiss me but I blinked again and he was gone. I stared at the sky for a moment longer before looking forward again and blankly started petting Maya.
I tried to get my mind off Ryan again. I couldn't let myself slip into another one of those...whatever they were, it wasn't safe or healthy for me so I focused on the sky again; it seemed to work before. The sky was still slightly dim, making the buildings further off stand out black. The air was cold, fresh; no car fumes or the smell of food. It just smelled like air, clean and it felt good to breathe in. A gentle breeze ruffled my hair and I felt a craving for someone to sit beside me...to slip back into that hallucination in the shower but I forced myself not to depend on it. I had to distract myself some other way...any other way I could but I didn't know what to do when I heard a door close a few yards from me and focused on that for a moment. I looked around and saw one really old woman stepping outside and walk in the opposite direction to begin her day and I knew that my quiet time was about up so I picked up Maya and I carried her home.
As I walked I mulled over what I could do to distract myself from Ryan. Video games were out, too much of a connection and a bit of irony. I didn't want anything to do with my computer much at all. I could watch movies or read...good God I'm getting desperate.
When I got home I set Maya down and she went charging/speed waddling into the next room and I hung my jacket up in the closet. I shut the door then sighed and pressed my forehead against it. I lingered there for a moment and let out a few more heavy breaths; trying to relax my troubled mind. Once I did that-to the point where I almost got light headed-I turned away from it but I was met with an unmasked Ryan standing before me, in my living room. Once again I couldn't see his face but he came over to me and held up one finger to his lips and he made a soft shh-ing sound. That sound alone was so beckoning, there was so much hidden behind it and I was desperate to know what it was. I closed my eyes; ready for it to disappear when I opened them again when I felt an actual hand on my chest this time. It wasn't just pressure, it was a warm hand.
My eyes popped open and he was so blurry to me; but I could feel him here. I felt fear and pain well up within me as my mind worked to free me from this horrible torture.
Calm down Felix, your head is playing games with you. It's nothing to be scared of, but I need to break this soon or I think I will go nuts. But I'm feeling him here with me now so I have to do something! Get away, I have to get away from him! Why is this on me so much when he was never actually here to begin with?
It struck me hard and I felt it too; physically. I felt a heavy stab in my heart, no pain just unbearable sorrow and unexpressed agony started welling up in me. I felt my whole body grow hot and slowly hotter as the seconds passed. I looked this illusion Ryan in the eyes that became clear for less than a minute.
The first thing I knew about Ryan's face was his lips; soft but so powerful. The second thing I know now are his eyes; they were a clear bright green with light gold near the center of his pupil. They were clear for me and I suddenly felt even worse. I kept falling down inside but I had to face this if I wanted it to stop; not sure why I thought it would work but I guess I was already crazy enough to try.
"I never told you that I loved you before I left the castle. I knew it right after you kissed me but...I never said it. Screw me for wanting to be fucking sure; I was already sure but it took too long for me to accept it and say it. Now I can't." I said to the fake Ryan who's smile faded to a heartfelt smirk; full of sympathy.
I inhaled sharply as the heat in my body suddenly rose to a serious fire; I thought I was going to explode inside. He whispered to me but I couldn't hear it as the fire got worse inside me. He stepped closer and repeated it to me and I finally heard and my whole body ached as the fire grew more. "Felix, you're going to kill yourself this way. Please stop worrying about me; I want you to relax."
I tried to talk again but my body just kept getting hotter and it seemed like my body was getting heavier too. "Ryan, I'm-"I was pushed back into the door and pinned there by my shoulders.
He pushed my chin up and bit my exposed neck hungrily and I felt his teeth on my skin; sending a ripple through my body...everything in my mind started rushing at me. He bit another spot a little harder and pressed his body flush against me.
I saw what I wanted...me and Ryan finally together and in my room. He was primal and passionate to me and I was desperate for him to be close.
I saw what I'd already had...the two of us in that room at Brennenberg, him kissing me fervently; so happy to have his feelings out there and being with me...unaware at how right it had felt. His body against me, his voice a heavy pant and his skin hot.
I opened my eyes and I was back in my house again and Ryan whispered against my neck an 'I love you' that left a feverish ghost on my throat. That was it, the hallucinations, the exhaustion; the lack of eating.
I blinked and I was alone in my house...I felt no bite marks on my neck, but the inferno in my body got worse to the point to where I just couldn't stand and then...I dropped. Right there, I hit my knees then the floor then the rest of me hit and I just laid there for a moment. I curled up into a tight ball and felt hot tears sting my still cold skin. I roughly ran my fingers through my hair and let out a painful yelp and sobbed helplessly in my place on the floor. I didn't know what to do at this point; I'd had hallucinations, I wasn't taking good care of myself-eating, sleeping etc.- I felt cold and really upset...I didn't feel like myself. I felt like a shattered version of me had come back and the Felix I knew before was gone; long gone and I feared that I would never be the same again.
Like I said, I am gloomy.
There was nothing but chaos all around me as Piggeh continued to pull on Jennifer's hair bow. It would fall out, ruin her braid and she would turn to hit him but just miss every time. Now she was chasing him to retrieve her bow while Mr. Chair was examining Ryan's mangled torso.
The man lay on the bed barely breathing and asleep but alive. Everything had gone downhill since Pewdie went home; we lost Laura somewhere in the castle and we prayed she wasn't hurt, Piggeh wouldn't leave Jennifer alone now and Ryan had been attacked several times.
The bed he was on was stained with blood; it was squishy with it. I will never understand humans because this one here lost so much blood; he shouldn't be alive at this point. We ran out of Laudanum and Sanity Potion a while ago. The Bro's were tainted by the Barrels abuse and were merciless in their attacks. There was no real doctor and the closest thing we had was Mr. Chair and a few books.
Not more than a few minutes after Pewdie left did the Bro's attack Jennifer then came after us. We barely made it out alive but we didn't get by without paying for it. Piggeh's had to re-spawn twice; Jennifer 3 times, Mr. Chair only once and I can't re-spawn because those damn Barrels destroyed all the statues of me in the castle. I owed Ryan that extra mile I'd gone for the group because without him...they'd be without me here.
While it remains unspoken, I am the leader of the group when Felix isn't here and they look to me and depend on my leadership when we're in trouble. I didn't do very well as leader not more than a few hours ago.
We'd been followed by a group of at least 17 Bro's and the Fapping Spiders weren't far behind either so we had to find a safe place to hide. While Jennifer re-spawned elsewhere, Mr. Chair and I tried our best to defend Ryan in his immobile state. Piggeh even stepped up and fought alongside us; he's not much for violence but he can fight when he's needed. Mr. Chair made a noble choice and took over the majority of the fighting so I could get Ryan to safety then come back and help. I got him a little ways down the hall when I tripped over the carcass of a spider and we fell. I sat up just as the one Bro that had slipped by them came at me. I could look at this monster all I wanted as the regular effects it has on Ryan and Felix's minds didn't affect me. It managed to knock the sword out of my hand and I was sure that I was about to die and I mean really die. I've never died before, ever so I didn't know what to expect but when I expected the claws to hit me they didn't but I did hear the noise they were supposed to make when they crunched bones and slashed flesh like butter.
I looked up and saw the man standing up and the Bro's claws dug into his chest, also with the very spider leg that had tripped me he'd used as a weapon and stabbed it into the Bro. It fell away and ripped its claws out of his chest. He fell to his knees and I screamed in horror then made him look at me and I yelled at him. I asked him why he would do this in his condition; he could have made it out had it stayed focused on me but he couldn't speak, he only smiled and closed his eyes.
We'd managed to keep him alive with what little resources we had but still he was fighting hard to live. His ribs were broken and stabbing into internal organs and through skin, his flesh was torn and blood was everywhere... we'd patched him up to the best of our abilities.
While it had been at our disposal we'd managed to perform a half-assed surgery on Ryan to force his ribs back into the right places and that sadly is where not only our Sanity Potion supply for the pain ran out but we ran down to our last bottle of Laudanum which we used to repair a small fracture and the tears in his organs, that didn't make up for the blood loss or the still open wounds in his flesh.
I had to say his will to live was to be admired; after all of this; all the pain and beatings he still had the power to crawl across the floor quickly, grab the spider leg and save my life. I owed him a few of those broken ribs as he'd earned them saving me and then some.
A shrill voice broke me from my thoughts. "Damn it Piggeh, give it back!" Jennifer shrieked and that was the straw that broke the camel's back.
"WILL YOU BOTH SHUT THE FUCK UP?" I shouted and the two fell silent at once.
He returned the bow and she went back to braiding it. I huffed angrily then turned to Mr. Chair who was tightly tying a belt around Ryan's Femoral artery. "Is that necessary?"
"I'm afraid it is, if we're going to keep him alive I have to cut some of the circulation off from his limbs to keep his organs running and keep him alive. The Human body's natural defense is to lose limbs in order to keep the organs and brain alive."
"Well we have to do something soon. We can't send him home in pieces; we can't do that to Felix. Especially after everything he's done for us; we owe him that much and more."
Mr. Chair gave me a look then searched through the book at his side while grumbling. "Don't you think I know that." He put his finger on a line and started reading then looked up at me. "There's supposed to be a sort of elixir we can make to replace his blood. It's going to take a few ingredients to fix it up but it'll be worth it."
"What do you mean replace his blood? Can that work for him?" I asked.
"Don't forget Stephano he's in our world now; if the books say it'll work, it will work." He assured me then continued. "And if we don't do something soon we're going to have to cut something off. And if we don't then we'll lose him, do you want to send him home dead?"
I knew what had to be done and I stood up. "What do we need?"
"Ironically the list of ingredients is located in the next edition of this book, over there." He pointed at a big leather bound book with a green ribbon tied around it. I went over and got it but when I opened it to the page we needed for the ingredients the page had been torn out. I silently cursed everything and then a banging began on the door.
"Are you kidding me?" I asked exhaustedly.
"Stephano we have to get him out of here. We are in no condition to protect him and he'll never survive another injury." Mr. Chair warned.
I panicked and didn't have time to react when the door cracked then split apart. I unsheathed my sword but the Bro just fell to the floor before me. In its back was a deeply driven scalpel and the doer was right outside. Laura walked in and she looked a mess. Her hair was a mess, her clothes were torn and blood stained and she looked cut up to high hell. She held out a jar full of dark purple liquid and panted out. "I got something to help the sad guy." She collapsed to her knees but held the fragile jar close to her stomach to protect it. I took the jar while Piggeh helped her over to a chair. Jennifer meanwhile moved the wardrobe in front of the doorway to block it.
"Laura where have you been, what happened?" I asked.
She caught her breath then looked up at me. "When we were in the library and you guys were gathering medical books for Mr. Chair, I grabbed one for the pile and started leafing through it. I stopped on a page that was a list of ingredients for a blood filler thing and with all the blood he'd lost I assumed it'd be something we could use later. I snuck off and started gathering the ingredients to put it together."
I handed the jar to Mr. Chair who looked overjoyed then I turned to Laura. "Good job Laura, you just saved us a hell of a lot of work and time."
Laura smiled happily when I heard Piggeh giggle. "And another chapter we'd have to torture readers with." Piggeh giggled.
"What?" I didn't quite understand but he fell silent and started poking at a hole in the floor.
I ignored him and turned to Mr. Chair who didn't look satisfied yet. "I don't have a syringe for this; one of the things that wasn't on the list was a syringe to apply the liquid to his blood stream."
Jennifer stood up. "Hang on let me see if I have one in my pouch." She dug through a small black bag with white frills attached to her hip while Laura dabbed at her injuries with a rag.
"What's it supposed to do for the sad guy?" she asked.
"His name is Cry, Laura and it's a blood replacement. The ingredients were mostly herbs and medicinal things to do the healing we need it to do. Once it's in the blood stream it will go through a sort of metamorphosis that will turn it into blood and it will help him heal and he'll have a chance at living without us having to cut anything off." I explained but Laura looked wide eyed and confused.
She didn't give away any further question; just smiled at me then everyone turned to look at Jennifer. "Eureka." She peeped out.
She pulled out a clean syringe and handed it to Mr. Chair. He started filling the syringe when Piggeh fell over a stool that had Ryan's clothes on it. His mask however was still on his face; three deep scratches along the right cheek of it and a nasty crack along the forehead but still intact.
I heard what sounded like plastic hitting the ground when Piggeh giggled and said there was something funny on the floor. He held it up and it looked like something Human's use often but I forgot what it was called.
"Is that a cellphone?" Jennifer asked; answering my question.
"That's what it's called, how'd you know?" I asked her.
"How do you not know?" She came over and took it from Piggeh and examined it then furrowed her brow. "Problem is that I don't know how you're supposed to use the damn thing."
I thought about what they were used for and remembered that their primary use is to contact people that are far away...call them. I thought about that use and I had a plan. "Guys, I have an idea."
I was startled back to reality from my painful stupor when the phone rang. I tried to calm myself down, starting simply by getting up off the floor. I passed a mirror on my way to the phone and caught glimpse of myself in the hall mirror. I was a wreck; my hair was fucked up, my clothes were wrinkled, I had tear stains on my face, I looked a little skinny and I had dark circles around my eyes. I slapped myself really hard and glared at the mirror. I really need to get a fricken grip; I was just on my floor, throwing a tantrum like an angry little kid. On top of that I've been dealing with a tortuous hallucination that haunts my house in the form of the man I love and to make it worse, I felt him touching me just a few minutes ago so I don't really know how I fell this far but it stops here and now.
Now maybe I should answer that phone...
I picked it up and an automated woman's voice said the call was long distance and to hold while I was connected. As I waited through the boring ass elevator music that computerized voice left me to, I stepped into my living room again and flopped down on my couch; startling Maya who'd been sleeping there...I also sorta thought she was a throw pillow for a second.
I moved the phone away from my face for a moment and pet the startled pug that calmed down instantly when I touched her. "Sorry Maya, I didn't see you."
The next thing I knew I heard a jumble of voices shouting through the phone and I thought I'd been connected to a different song but when I didn't hear any music I shouted to make them stop. "Hello...!"
The jumble of voices quieted to a few in particular and I just listened; waiting for someone to acknowledge me.
"Ok, so which end do I talk into?" a man's voice spoke to someone but it wasn't me.
"I think the one with all the numbers above it." Another guy but his voice wasn't as deep.
"Do you even know if you're holding it right?" A woman this time and she's got an attitude.
"Well if it's not working than let's just shut it off and try again later." A man's voice with a thick French accent and by instinct I said. "Stephano...?"
There was a moment of silence as the voice I'd picked out called my name and my heart fluttered at the familiar sound of it.
"Felix? Oh my God, it's you!" He shouted into the phone and he shouted to someone and once again, it wasn't me. "Guys, it worked!" Which was abruptly followed by several cheers in the back and I smiled at my phone.
"How are you guys calling me? Not that I'm not happy but this is amazing, I thought you guys couldn't do this, I thought..." I paused. "I thought I'd never hear your voices again."
"Jennifer found a cellphone in Ryan's pocket and we figured out how to use it and call you." Stephano explained to me.
At the mention of his name I immediately felt my body go ridged and I sat up a little. "Is Ryan there? Can I talk to him?" I asked frantically.
"How are you Pewdie, how are things there?" Jennifer picked up I guess which evaded my request to talk to Ryan.
"Fine, no one's noticed us missing for over two weeks. Can I talk to Ryan please?" I asked a little more firm this time.
Stephano took the phone back. "We almost gave up on the cellphone when Piggeh called some group of people that were asking if we wanted sexual favors. I had to take the phone away from him."
"It was an accident, I swear!" Piggeh shouted in the back ground and I think I lost my temper for a second.
"CAN I TALK TO RYAN OR NOT?" I shouted and instantly felt sick that I'd yelled at them. "I'm sorry guys; can I please talk to Ryan?"
There was silence on the other end and I worried if the call had been dropped but no, Stephano spoke into the phone. "I think maybe that's something we should discuss-"he was interrupted by a familiar voice that made my heart skip a beat.
"Is that Felix?" an exhausted voice ground out in the background and I stood up off the couch as I called to him. "RYAN!" I shouted into the phone.
I heard the phone get hit a few times like someone was fighting over it then I heard him and I sighed. "Pewdie, I'm so happy to hear you're Ok." His voice was tired but his excitement was genuine.
"How are you?" I asked; trying not to sound frantic or overly relieved.
"I'm fine, how are things back home?" he asked.
"No one knows about what happened to us yet...but it's been two weeks." I cringed a little as I said this.
"TWO WEEKS! Oh my God...my family must be getting worried by now. What am I gonna do?" he sounded worried beyond belief but I'm no idiot; I knew how to handle it.
"I can call your family and tell them that you came here for a visit. It's not like they'll check to see if I'm lying." I explained realizing how easy it really would be for me to get away with this lie.
"If you could do that for me that'd be great! I need someone to watch my dog too." He made a sound of aching and I tensed up a little.
"Are you Ok?" I asked quietly.
"Yeah, just sore; they just got through helping me and I'm just a little tender all over." He didn't sound completely convincing to me. Something else was happening but he wasn't saying it to me.
"Ryan, please don't lie to me. Is there something wrong, something you don't want to tell me?" I asked, I didn't want to push him but I needed to know.
He sighed; he wasn't going to fight it. "I didn't want to say it but...by the look of things I won't be back very soon."
"Well I know that, it's going to take a while for you to-"
"No you're not getting me here Pewds. I don't think I'll be home this year."
I felt my whole body get cold and I dropped to my knees; I just stared ahead. "You can't be serious, this year? That's-"I stopped when it sunk in. "Ryan that's almost 5 months and that's just to the New Year!"
"I know but you won't have to cover for me too much because I take long vacations anyway." He tried but the attempt was useless on me.
I had to close my eyes to hold back the tears and I let my head drop. "But...I miss you..."
"I know I miss you too Felix and this isn't going to be easy for me..."
"Well you're a whole world away from home. It's not surprising that you're homesick." I tried to sound a little stronger but I think it fell flat.
"No, I'm not homesick..." He paused. "I won't get to talk to you anymore; it'll make this a little harder. I'd feel more comfortable with a familiar friend with me but I'll deal, it's no problem." He sounded almost legitimately better but I knew.
My heart was pounding, my eyes were wet and my voice quivered but I had to say it, I had to get it out before I lost him again. "Ryan...I never actually got to tell you while I was there but if you don't mind, I'd like to say it now." He waited for me quietly and I sighed before saying it. "I love you Ryan, I knew it before but I wanted to be sure before I said it. I know and I'm sorry I didn't say anything before." I waited but I got complete silence. "Ryan, are you still there?"
I felt my spirits lift instantly and I smiled under my mask. I motioned for the others to go away for a moment and Stephano and Mr. Chair shooed everyone into the room connected to this one by a door.
"What did you say?" I asked with a shaking voice.
"I said I love you Ryan, I said it to you a few times while we were there but I don't think you ever heard me." His voice quivered and I knew he was holding back tears. I heard him take a deep breath before talking to me in a quaking voice. "Please tell me Ryan, tell me you love me too!"
I had to use all my focus not to drop that phone. I felt a fire unlike anything else spark in my heart and I smiled before saying it. "I love you Felix, I love you so much." I sighed as I heard him hum into the phone; a sound of approval.
"Please say it again," he begged.
"I'll say it a million times if you want me to. I will be back soon I promise Pewdie! I love you, I love you so much!" I near shouted into the phone when I heard a beep from my phone and closed my eyes, but the tears leaked out anyway. "Battery's dead, bye Felix; I love you."
The call cut out and all I heard was that God awful dial tone. I fell to my seat and dropped the phone on the carpet beside me; just staring forward. I cried but I smiled and hugged my arms around my chest. "I finally told him, now he knows and he loves me! He really loves me..."I could barely believe I'd gotten it out. I promised myself that I'd never let myself slip into that dark hole ever again.
The next few months were painstakingly slow but not impossible. I still had this funny habit of waking up early in the morning even though I would have trouble sleeping at night. Apparently some of my worries about Ryan still hadn't been silenced yet but I didn't let it stop me. I kept up with my video's and even the Bro's that knew I'd been a little off were happy to see me back on top.
"Welcome back Pewds!"
"Thank goodness, we missed you!"
"Alright he's back! We love you Pewds! *Brofist!"
I couldn't ignore the warmth in my heart after reading most of those comments. I sent thanks out to a bunch of them and happily got several your welcomes. I took better care of myself and even managed to hang out with Marzia a little bit. I did in fact tell her what happened in that phone call I mentioned and she believed me entirely which made me happy. While we'd been a good couple we were even better friends. She also stuck by my side and helped me celebrate the New Year when it came around. What a party that was!
I got home super late at like 2 am and was more than ready to get to bed but I passed my calendar and noticed that each day had been marked off by another set of numbers. I pulled it off the wall and flipped back to when the weird counting started and saw that it started the day after I got home...I'd been counting the days that Ryan still wasn't home. I sighed and threw the calendar away and made a mental note to buy a new calendar for 2013 tomorrow.
That night was way different than the rest, I went straight to sleep but I didn't dream. I closed my eyes and drifted in the silence for a while then the next thing I knew my eyes popped open and the clock read 5:34 in the morning and I groaned.
Another early fucking morning! I sat up and walked into my living room, the house was still super dim and the sun had hardly risen so I chose to watch the sky brighten a little bit today. I moved my most comfortable chair over to the big window in my living room. I sat in it and cocooned myself in a blanket and just watched the dim sky.
I started to drift away when I heard a knock on my front door. I groaned at the thought of getting up and opening it but whoever it was would have to come back later because I was not moving. I settled back into my blanket and allowed myself to drift. I was so drowsy that I still didn't move when I heard the door open and someone call my name.
I knew it had to be Marzia dropping off my mail this morning while she didn't usually try to wake me. I decided she could just leave it and I'd get to it later. I finally drifted into sleep and everything went peacefully black around me.
I woke up to the feeling of a hand inside my shirt. I opened my eyes and saw through my window...in my bed room. I wasn't in the chair in my living room anymore, I was in bed. The sun had crawled across the sky and was beginning to set as the sky turned pink and orange. The clouds were a little burned around the edges but were a buttery yellow near the middle like toast. I watched the buildings outside start lighting up for the evening life to begin when the hand in my shirt moved across my stomach and I jolted a little. I heard a quiet 'sorry' and turned over to look at the person with me. I only saw the white expressionless mask he always wore. "Ryan!!"
I wrapped my arms around his neck and he held my body close to his with both his warm hands inside my shirt. I felt tears sting my eyes again and I didn't dare stop them. I squeezed him close and whimpered to him. "How did you get here?"
"By plane, how else am I gonna get from Florida to Sweden."
"No I mean how did you get here, here?" I asked pulling back to look at his masked face.
He chuckled a little and stroked my cheek which I leaned into. "How about we talk about it over dinner? Tell me that Sweden has pizza." He nearly begged and I smiled.
"Of course we do!" we laughed and he touched my cheek softly which made me smile and snuggle into his hand again.
We wound up staying there like that for about an hour before we finally got up and ordered the pizza. While I ordered in Swedish Ryan started walking around looking at my house. As the person went to get his superior-first day so he didn't really know what to do-I peeked over at Ryan who was looking around at every corner of my house.
He'd been here before but I guess he forgot what it looked like. I smiled and he tripped over something and fell behind my couch and I lost sight of him. I broke out laughing and almost fell over my belly was hurting so bad.
He used the couch to get up and I assume he was glaring at me. "Shut up and order the pizza!"
I giggled the whole time I ordered the pizza which confused the hell out of the guy on the phone. It was delivered later and we settled in the living room and talked.
"So how did you get back?" I asked through a mouthful of pizza.
"Well when I got home my whole family had wondered why my vacation had been so long." He started and before he took a bite he looked up at me. "Do you have any idea how hard it was to come up with a reason as to why I wasn't done with my vacation? I had to tell them Maya was having surgery due to complications about her missing eye."
I picked up Maya and cuddled the pug close to me as the fright from that horrible accident was brought up again. She barked at him which made him look back at her. "No offense Maya,"
She grumbled a little and I set her back down on the ground then picked up another pizza slice and started eating. "But what were your demons is what I want to know. What were they and how did you beat them?"
He instantly didn't seem comfortable with the question and completely ignored my question by calling Maya over and playing with her a little. I scowled a little at the rather rude way he decided to ignore me and picked up another slice. He froze and looked over at me as I dug in but I froze mid bite; a trail of melted cheese keeping me and the pizza connected. "What?"
"How many slices have you had already?" he asked outright and I really wanted him to answer my question first so I didn't answer his.
I didn't really know what to do about Ryan right now. I thought carefully as I brushed my teeth and wondered why he wouldn't tell me. He avoided all my questions about his objective and it drove me crazy, he didn't want me to know but what was so bad that he wouldn't tell me about it. I really wanted to know and I wasn't going to let him sleep tonight if he wouldn't tell me.
I spat out my mouthful of toothpaste foam and rinsed before leaving the bathroom and nearly bumping into Ryan. He stepped past me and didn't even say hey, then shut the door. It felt like a frosty wind passed me when he walked by. I heard the faucet and clenched my fists then went into the living room and sat down on the couch like an impatient child. Why is he acting so cold to me?
Ryan came out of the bathroom a little later and I stopped him in the hallway. I could tell by his body language alone that he knew something was wrong.
"What? Something wrong?" he asked, like he didn't know.
"Well yeah, ever since you got here you've been avoiding my questions and I am not going to let you keep this from me. What were your objectives and how did you beat them?" I asked again and I was more than ready for him to try and avoid it again. The way his shoulders sunk meant he wasn't going to do it again.
"One of them was probably the hardest of all; I had to accept the fact that I would never see you again. I had to live my life with never getting to hold you, or kiss you or even talk to you again; I had to accept that. For me it was rock bottom." He started; his voice low.
I slightly regretted pushing him so hard on the subject, maybe I shouldn't have asked.
He continued. "The other one was a little harder and much more painful." He reached up and touched the bottom of his mask. "Please, don't freak out, Ok." I watched closely as he pulled the mask off his head and when I saw his face my hands shot up to my mouth to cover my gasp. He held his mask in his hand and waited for me to respond. His right eye was scarred shut and his cheek wore three distinct claw marks that looked excruciating.
I was almost in tears and my body shook. What had he done to come back? "What-"I couldn't even finish my body was shaking so much.
"The other one was giving up the sight in my right eye. Sorry, it's not like what you expected." He smiled anyway and closed his good eye. He shivered then looked at me with his one good eye when I saw a slash of white across the iris. I bit my lower lip as he continued to shake. "I can barely see right now, you're so blurry." He reached out and touched my cheek softly.
I leaned into it and his skin is so warm...so real. I felt my eyes sting with tears they were fighting.
I sighed and threw myself at him; pushing him back against the wall. He hugged me tight and I hugged him. "Do you really think I'm that shallow? I don't care about what you look like; with or without your mask I still love you!" I squeezed him and he held me tighter.
I pulled back a little and lightly kissed his nose; terrified that if I kissed him too hard he'd be hurt somehow. I hugged him and he moved one leg between mine to say what I knew he was too shy to say aloud.
I felt something move in my pocket and pulled back a little bit and looked down. There was a large gash along the left thigh of my jeans that had never been sewn and suddenly I was hit with the image of broken window glass and claws on my chest. "These are the pants I wore when we were at Brennenberg." I said without thinking. I reached into the pocket and my hand wrapped around the glass bottle.
I grabbed it and pulled it out. "I guess I left this in my pocket at some point."
We just stared at it for a moment when I moved to put it back. He caught my hand and looked me in the eyes, "Can you use that to fix my eye? I want to be able to see you clearly, not blurry like you look now."
I felt my heart jump a little and I handed him the bottle. I touched my heart as he held the bottle in his hands. "So, you can't see me?"
"No, I haven't been seeing clearly since Brooke put the Bro in the cage with me. My vision is blurry, it's a miracle I made it here." He explained not thinking much of it but he saw me shaking and he grabbed my shoulders; suddenly worried. "What's wrong?"
"You can't see me at all? I'm blurry," I don't know why that of all things bothered me. "I want you to see me." I rested my head on his chest and he held me and sighed.
"I do too, more than you understand." He whispered into my hair.
After I finally got a grip-again-I led him into the bathroom where I grabbed a towel and sat on the counter. He came over and handed me the bottle then touched his face and laughed. "Since we're fixing my eye, can we fix the skin too? I appreciate that you don't care about my looks but frankly, I don't want to look like the guy from Phantom of the Opera."
I laughed then pulled the cork off the bottle and poured it on the rag. The purple liquid glittered a little then Ryan stepped close to me and rested his hands on either side of my hips. I reached up and lightly rubbed the rag on his cheek, when I pulled away the scars were gone and his skin was flawless. I kept rubbing the right side of his face till I held it over his eye.
He kept the rag over my eye and I waited patiently when the tingling started. It escalated from tingling to burning then aching then just outright pain. My body shook as my eye seemed to endure the hit that had cost me my sight. Pewdie felt the shaking and he touched the back of my head and whispered to me softly. "I'm here it's Ok. I know it hurts but hang in there."
I reached out and wrapped my arms around his waist, holding him close but not moving the rag even a little. My body tensed up and I ground my teeth whenever a new wave of pain shook my brain then the rest of me. After what felt like hours, my body slowed the shaking and the sensation in my eye changed. I slowly began to feel the rag against my skin, the rough old fabric wet with Laudanum against my face when my eye itched to open. I pulled back and let him go and he pulled the rag back. I blinked both my eyes then opened them and saw my face in the mirror behind him. I sighed and smiled; I could see out of both eyes, clearly. I looked at him and smiled at him as his nervous gaze remained on my face.
"How do I look?" he asked and I was trying too hard to breathe so I couldn't answer right away. His skin was flawless and his eyes were bright green. He smiled innocently at me; he looked so shy now that I could actually see his face. I felt a little pain in my heart at the thought of what he endured and envisioned that same face twisted in pain and trying so hard not to scream or show weakness. I bit my lip and touched his cheek softly. The skin was smooth and just a little wet.
"Like you," I sat up just a little and kissed him softly. His lips were warm against mine and when I pulled away he looked down at me. I smiled and slid off the counter and got a little wedged between the counter and his body. I looked up at him a little embarrassed and then I slipped away and into the hallway.
"Felix," I heard behind me and when I turned around he pressed me against the wall by my shoulders. He touched my jaw gently and my whole body quaked. His eyes won't leave mine and they are so serious but so afraid at the same time. I felt my breath get short when I pressed my back against the wall. "Ryan, do you want to..." I didn't finish when I heard his mask hit the floor.